Forever
by ViciousWolfie
Summary: Remus wasn't quite sure what happened. SiriusRemus fluff.


**Author's Notes: **

Dedicated as always to Peri, but this time because she's the one that finally made me realize that Sirius would never run away with me because he's in love with Remus. So it goes.

This is more random fic-ness. I don't quite know how to describe it. But it's fluff. Because I am a fluff-junkie.

So it goes.

**Disclaimers:** The Harry Potter universe and said characters within it are (c) one very rich J. K. Rowling

THIS STORY CONTAINS SNOGGING BETWEEN SIRIUS BLACK AND REMUS LUPIN. THEY ARE BOTH MALE. If this isn't your box of cookies then there is either an x in the right corner of your screen or a back button on your explorer window. Either one will get you out of here quickly and painlessly.

Thank you.

* * *

Remus wasn't quite sure what had happened.

He tried to figure it out, but nothing was coming immediately to mind, though he thought about it for a long time. He was curled almost lazily upon the sofa that he normally shared with Sirius; just staring at the same page of the same book he'd been staring at an hour ago. A week ago, he would not have gone ten minutes without the other man's presence or attempts to distract him, which were usually quite successful. A week ago he would not have gone two days without a good and proper kissing, and yet here he still sat alone while Sirius leaned against the window, his pale gray eyes distanced and dark with some strange emotion.

He obviously wasn't thinking at all about one Remus Lupin.

It had been exactly six years to the day that they'd been together. Yet every day still felt like the first one, every kiss sending chills down his spine just like the first one. It wasn't perfect, because they weren't perfect, but it was the closest thing Remus had ever felt to heaven. He had spent more than half his life being constantly reminded of what a monster he was, and some days he still couldn't comprehend how it was that Sirius could possibly want him, when he could have anyone in the world he wanted. For the most part, his doubts and fears had shut their mouths and moved away, and he had stopped asking just what he had done to deserve the other man.

Yet now they were back full force.

He was terrified that they were over.

It wasn't that the kisses had stopped completely, but when they did, it was no longer with the same forceful passion that Sirius had always had before. It wasn't that Sirius didn't talk to him anymore, but now it was with a distant distraction that brought back all of Remus's fears with a vengeance. Maybe Sirius had finally realized that he could do so much better. Maybe he had finally realized that Remus was just a monster in the end, a beast trapped in human skin. Every time Remus asked him what was wrong he just shook his head and brushed it off.

Whatever it was that had changed, it had turned Remus's life into a wretched nightmare. It had been a full week since they'd last had sex. And for two adult men, that was practically a lifetime. Maybe Sirius had found someone else, and just didn't have the heart to tell his lover. They'd been living together since after seventh year at Hogwarts. Maybe Sirius was just sick of the man, pure and simple as that. Either way, he was afraid that it was over, and he didn't know why.

Maybe it was that he'd said, "I love you."

It hadn't occurred to him before, because it wasn't something that he'd intended to say. The words had slipped out in a moment of dizzying, contented afterglow, and at the time he hadn't thought anything of it. He had been saying it for years, just not in words, yet now he realized that in the six years the two of them had been together, neither one of them had ever said that it was love. Remus had assumed it, in the little things that Sirius did for him, like automatically putting four lumps of sugar in his tea, or leaving him that last piece of chocolate even when it was his favorite kind.

But maybe Sirius had never thought of it as love. Maybe it had just been a relationship of convenience or something else, but Remus felt as if he had unintentionally crossed a line he didn't know was there, and he felt his ears burn with embarrassment, tears beginning to sting at his eyes. He bit his lip hard, trying to focus on the same page of his book, but the words were blurring and all he could think was that he had messed up somehow, and now Sirius didn't even want to be near him anymore which was why he was standing over there and Remus was sitting on the couch alone.

He wasn't going to lie to the other man. He was in love with Sirius.

Even if Sirius wasn't in love with him.

He slammed his book shut abruptly, drawing distant gray eyes to his face. They were distracted and almost dull, but a touch of concern entered Sirius's face when he saw the glaze of tears in the other man's eyes. "What did I do?" Remus demanded, his voice on the edge of cracking, and it was all he could do not to let the tears fall. For a moment, he thought about letting it drop and just going on like they had been, even if it killed him inside, but he knew if they did then Sirius would eventually leave anyway, and that would hurt even worse.

"What?" Sirius said, for a moment confused.

"What did I do? Did I say something wrong? Just tell me. I just…just tell me." A half sob was trying to claw its way out of his throat, and amber eyes were glazed with pain and some anger. This morning he had tried to get Sirius's attention, only to have the man pull away. A faint tinge of red colored his face with shame at the memory. It should have been obvious then that Sirius just wasn't interested anymore. He just wanted to understand why. He just wanted to know what he'd done wrong. "I just need to know," he whispered, averting his eyes.

"Nothing," Sirius responded, a quiet dismissal in his voice. "You didn't do anything."

Then he turned away, gaze going back out the window.

It wasn't good enough. Remus tossed his book down on the floor, rising to his feet and trying not to let the tears fall. "I think I should leave," he said, voice low and harsh, and he didn't know himself if he meant leave for a night or if he meant leave forever. Sirius glanced at him, some amount of confusion in his gaze, but he didn't move or open his mouth when Remus headed towards the door, trying to hold together the last dregs of his pride. If Sirius didn't want him anymore than he could accept that. He tried to believe it, even when he knew he was lying to himself.

"Remus, wait," Sirius's voice was warmed for once, the distant chill passed out of it, and it was that alone that made the werewolf pause, his back still to his lover and his amber eyes still not able to look at the gray-eyed man. He heard a soft sigh escape his lips and the quiet footsteps as the other man approached him, a hand resting on his shoulder. Remus hated how easily he gave under the touch, how it still sent fire through his nerves and how all he wanted was just for Sirius to kiss him and forget about whatever it was that had changed in this last week.

"Look, I just…we…well come sit down first."

Remus stared at him for a moment, the tears in his eyes still threatening to fall. Then he averted his gaze again and nodded, allowing Sirius to lead him back to the sofa. He couldn't look at the man, amber gaze focused just on his hands that seemed too scared and too calloused. He was no good for Sirius. He should have left a long time ago. That thought was enough to drive one of the tears from his eyes, slipping down his face in a tiny rivulet.

He was startled when Sirius took one of his hands, holding it between both of his.

"Listen to me Remus. You haven't done anything wrong."

The man was looking down, thumb tracing lazy circles on Remus's skin, his breath somewhat uneven. He tried to force a smile onto his face, but it failed miserably. "I owe you an apology for this last week. You deserve better." His voice hitched, drawing Remus's gaze to his face, surprised at the pain written across his features. "You deserve so much better than what I can give you." He was shaking, and Remus gave his hand a comforting squeeze that drew a faint smile from the other man. "I've been doing a lot of thinking lately."

"Now that doesn't happen every day," Remus teased softly, but even he couldn't laugh at the joke.

Sirius chuckled softly, but it faded just as quickly. A shuddering sigh escaped his lips, finally raising his hand to look at the other man. "Here's the thing, Moony," his voice was suddenly very serious. "I'm not perfect, and I know it. I haven't treated you write this last week and I'm sorry for that. You deserve someone who will treat you better, someone as perfect as you, but that's not me," he laughed, a choked, desperate thing.

"I'm not perfect either, Sirius," he said softly. "Really, I'm not." The man didn't appear to hear him, but Remus didn't let it go, catching the other's eyes with his amber ones. His voice was shaking as he talked, but it grew harder and fiercer as the words continued to come out of his lips. "I'm a monster Sirius. How you can even say I'm perfect is beyond me. I will never be able to give you as much as you can give me. I'm scarred…"

"You're beautiful Remus," he interrupted, squeezing his hand.

Another breath escaped his throat. "I wanted to do what was best for you. I wanted to leave, give you a chance to find someone who deserved you more than me, but what I realized was that…well, I can't live without you Remus Lupin." He laughed softly. "In the end I'm just as selfish as the rest of the Blacks, aren't I?" He shook his head, not giving Remus the chance to respond. "I know I'm not perfect. I know I leave wet towels on the floor and sometimes I forget to close the door or pick up food from the store. I'm never going to fold my clothes before going to bed."

Remus laughed softly. "Well I can think of a few nights where I didn't bother either."

A lascivious grin creased Sirius's face, and his hand tightened around the others. For the first time in a week he saw that passion burning in the other man's gaze, and it made Remus's heart swell and his pulse increase. Then Sirius looked away, taking a breath and trying to finish. "But you see, I can't ever give you marriage either, and we can't ever have children or any of that stuff that makes up a real life. I want you to have that, but those are things I can't give you."

"I don't need those things," Remus insisted. "All I need is you."

Sirius smiled. "Then I have something to tell you."

He closed his eyes, inhaling sharply before opening them and locking eyes with his lover. "I love you." The words were soft, but it was the first time Sirius had ever said them to him, and suddenly Remus couldn't hear for the rushing of blood in his ears. He was barely aware of the words still coming out of Sirius's mouth. "I'm always going to love you, even if I'm no good at saying it. So…well…I got you a ring. I know it's stupid and sappy but I just wanted you to know that I'm yours." He laughed, blushing slightly, and Sirius Black never blushed. "I…love you. Forever, if you'll have me."

He was fumbling in his pocket for the ring, but Remus didn't give him the chance to find it, suddenly pouncing on his lover and pressing his lips hard against Sirius's. The other man gasped against the sudden assault, but then he was grinning and kissing Remus back, the last week forgotten and meaningless in light of the mouth moving over his and then tracing along his jaw line while hands traced lazy paths up his side.

"Love you," Remus whispered.

Sirius pushed him back, but came with him, aware that Remus was straddling his lap and that this would undoubtedly lead to more interesting activities, but for now he just wanted to taste the other man's lips and he was kissing him fiercely, trying to drown in him. He pulled back slightly for all of a second, one hand tangled in tawny locks and the other resting on the man's hip. "I love you too," he whispered, smiling earnestly. "Forever." Then they were kissing again, the rest of the world fading into oblivion.

"Forever," Remus muttered once, a smile on his face.

He liked the sound of that.


End file.
